Sylvester Hands' Creepy Cookery for beginners


Here Sly Hands recounts a few selections from his latest cookery book, 'Sly's sickly succulents' which can be obtained from Ah Wok's stall in Grimdale for the minimal price of three dungeon dollars.

Alternatively if you happen to be feeling really strange you might wish to approach the man (?) himself (if you can stand the smell!) in which case the fee will almost certainly approximate to a pint of ale.

The Quest can not be responsible for any effects of actually eating these 'delicacies', but judging from the state of Sly's health the nutritional content is probably not high!

Sly's Sardine and Snail Crumble

Sixty six snails [sardines?]
some old bits of bread
thirty seven huge snails
three pints of Old West Country ale

Place all the ingredients in a copper pan and cook for a short time in a huge oven. Ale will help all the flavours mingle!

Pickled Tadpoles

Two hundred and twenty seven tadpoles
forty four pints of good vinegar
two kegs of Old Suffolk ale
(one to sit on, the other to drink)

Shove the tadpoles into a large glass jar and fill it to the top with the vinegar. Leave for seven months, then swallow, and for every mouthful of tadpole you need at least eight of the ale.

Wart & Bogie Bangers

One deaded little pigeon
a pocket full of pimples
one ready made pie.

Scrape out the pie filling and give it to the birds, shove in the little pigeon and the pimples, always use your own pimples with this recipe. Allow to sit in the blazing hot sun for five hours then eat. Oh I nearly forgot, this dish is best served with Old London Ale.

Lubberly Lemon Lizard

One lemon
one lizard (not to be confused with Lissard)
thirty seven tablespoons of Old Norfolk ale.

Place the lemon on top of the lizard and leave it in a leather knapsack for three months to mature. Eat slowly and drink very quickly, after this nice light meal you should at once go to sleep.



Dear Knightmare,

Well, what can I say? Knightmare was terrific, and waiting for our programmes to arrive was agonising, watching them was a lot of fun, almost as much as making them, although I must add that a great deal of watching (on my part) was from behind a sofa cushion.

Incidentally, additional thanks to Majida, her view that I was a bit of a 'smart bottom' went down very well with friends and family. Henceforth that is what I am known as to everyone who is in the know. The cast of a play. I even considered putting 'smart bottom' in the programme where my name should be. Thanks, Majida.

Following reactions from friends, I have some tips for future dungeoneers: (Here we go! - Ed.). Give your team a chance to speak (ok, ok, I concede that I did talk quite a lot;) don't try to chat up somebody with a crossbow (this I deny;) don't try to do stupid walks (my physics teacher thought "half step, fast forward" was hilarious;) and never forgive your younger brother if he tells you to walk right into the path of an oncoming buzzsaw blade. (Well done, that man - Ed.) Ok, I survived, so I might let him off.

Well, all that's left is to say a huge thank you to everybody involved and congratulations on creating a series of first class entertainment. I look forward to the next one.

People ask us what we'll do next. Well, we considered putting Derek on Blind Date but he's not too keen on the idea. I don't suppose Lord Fear or Treguard will need a 16 year old assistant next series?

From Barry.

Not a chance! - Ed.


'The Quest' is published by Broadsword Television

Broadsword are the producers of 'Knightmare' for Anglia Television and Children's ITV.

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